10 April 2010

The Menace of the Calculating Mind

According to Sifu H, I've got a very calculating mind. Indeed he says it's the biggest obstacle to unlocking all those creative and healing abilities he swears I possess. During every session he relentlessly points out the many instances of my calculating mind in action.

Being forced to confront how my overactive mind permeates — and pollutes — so many interactions with myself and others isn't a feel-good experience. I always reacted defensively to Sifu H's comments — which I inevitably perceived as criticisms — by arguing, getting angry or bursting into tears. "I'm not criticizing you," he'd patiently assure me. "I'm teaching you."

I may be incredibly resistant to facing my inner demons but I'm also extremely diligent and deeply want to heal. Especially because Sifu H says that as people age, their negative energy only intensifies. Unless I start seriously dealing with these issues now, he warned, my dysfunctional coping mechanisms would only worsen.

Little by little I'm recognizing how my hyperactive mind works to protect me by attempting to control this inherently uncontrollable condition called life. It does this by treating life as a mathematical equation. It constantly weighs the pros and cons of every situation and evaluates potential outcomes of various courses of action. IF I pay, say, wear, achieve, think, work, perform X, THEN the logical outcome will be Y.

Some examples:
• If I am [a good writer], then I will receive [money/respect/travel] and feel [important]
• If I am [thin, funkily dressed], then I will receive [praise, a boyfriend] and feel [loved]
• If I am [a good Qigong student], then I will receive [praise from my teacher] and feel [special]
• If people are [nice to me], then I must be [a great person] and I feel [important]
• If people are [mean/critical], then I must be [a terrible person] and I feel [miserable/a failure]

Terrified the world would fall apart if it relinquishes control, my calculating mind never allowed me to simply relax and accept the realities of life, warts and all. Unconsciously I assumed the worst in most situations. To orient myself in time and space, my mind feverishly planned, judged, compared, analyzed, criticized, looked for hidden meanings. With such a mindset, no wonder I had such trouble unconditionally loving, trusting or giving to others.

Over the decades I've tried countless classic and arcane therapies. Yet only Qigong Psychoanalysis (my pet name for the Qigong practice and the intense conversations with Sifu H) has broken through the thick armor shielding me from my true self. What a joy to jettison so many decades' worth of inappropriate and ultimately self-abusive behavior patterns!

1 comment:

shelley said...

:) How long did that take you to write? How much did it cost you to admit that? How much better do you feel? The answer is 'mangos'. Consolation of the hot season, B40 per kilo. Abundance.... sorry about the sugar content. Get over it.... ;)